I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
