So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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