so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
