The maid of honor just puked.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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