I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
