This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
