Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
