so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize