im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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