well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
