Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
