I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
