I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
