proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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