I have demons in me.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
