John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
