Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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