Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
