He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
