It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
