Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
