Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
