that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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