Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
