I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
