So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
