i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
