my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
