i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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