i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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