Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize