I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
the raccoons are back...
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