Sorry, I don't speak sober.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
