i think my mom watched the whole time
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
