Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
