Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
