Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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