I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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