i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
