he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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