She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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