I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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