everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
