well I can't set my house on fire every night
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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