The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
