Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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