my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
