she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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