I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize