i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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