the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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