I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
