He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
