Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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