I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
