I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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