I feel like abortions should bother me more
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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