I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
