His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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