i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize