if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
